I was having a conversation about the ways in which I come off and I mentioned how I never considered myself sexy. Instead, I’ve always seemed to fall into the “pretty,” “cute,” or “beautiful” category. My friend then stated that all of those things can and do exist in me. And it confirmed a truth for me, that I’ve been working on. The truth that, for a long time, I had been living in limited dimension.
But it goes deeper than the superficial bullcrap. We are multi-dimensional beings. Yet, we find ourselves only operating at limited capacity, not leaning into our layers. So, with that, I say, “I’m cute, but I’m also sexy.” “I’m sweet and gentle, but can be a hurricane when need be.” “I’m humble, but I most certainly know my worth.” How are you living in all of your dimensions?
2 Comments
A Self-Love Discovery
For a while, my touch wasn’t enough for myself. Conditioned to the comfort in the hands of another... Caressing my head as I fell asleep... Resting my head in your lap when I didn’t feel well... Rubbing my lower back and pelvis when the cramps were unbearable... I grew accustomed to the soothing of another’s touch, oblivious to the power of my own. “I love your touch.” How did you know the expression of affection from my fingertips before I did? The miles my fingers have traveled... Tracing the paths of your face... From your brow to your jaw, trailing down and along your collarbone... Familiarizing myself in case I lost my sight tomorrow. All the while never seeing myself. Until one night. Alone. Headed to the land our slumber transport us, I casually caressed my forearm... And, I felt it. The soothing I’ve received outside of myself since the womb. Is this what I’ve been giving all this time? The rush of warmth and comfort, I was never able to give myself. Until now. Whenever I think about it, I feel that sinking sensation. The battle, seemingly never-ending, that women face along the journey of unearthing and standing free in our own beauty. The very subjectivity of beauty is enough in itself. And, though there are countless varying opinions as to what beauty is, I’m sure we all have had similar experiences along our paths of discovering it within ourselves. For ourselves. Because, that’s the thing... A major part of our learning to stand firm and free in our beauty and bodies overall is the battle against ugliness that is not our own.
We are constantly under scrutiny. By others and ourselves. My introduction to the conscious awareness of my physical appearance was not on my own terms. One of my earliest memories was based on the foundation of representation. Early mornings that consisted of a spoonful of cod liver oil, morning prayer, and before I could even think about heading out the door; a quick head-to-toe scan so as to assure I was well groomed. Because what was not going to happen was me stepping outside the house looking like “who shot John and why,” thus poorly representing myself and my family. But, this experience I appreciate still. I remember being sexualized before even thinking about sex. My early awareness of my figure was not gained through self-exploration, but instead outside observation. I remember most of my first direct experiences with sexual objectification beginning with puberty. From categorization jokes according to breast size, to being singled out in school about how nicely my butt had grown over summer recess, and all the unwanted physical advances in between. And, the beauty standards... Oh, yes. The beauty standards. My relationship and journey with my hair has been a special one. I learned early on the consequence of not appreciating what was naturally bestowed upon me. This lesson came in the form of horrible hair breakage in elementary school as a result of the relaxer I begged my mother to let me have. I was tired of my hair not lying down slick straight like that of other girls at school, and toothbrushing the baby hairs was no longer cutting it for me. I never got another relaxer since. This was an interesting journey in itself given, at that time, naturally curly Black girls would not yet be considered “in trend” for another several years. Some of our curl patterns still not being as cherished and appreciated as they should. And let’s not forget the alterations we have made and make to our appearance on account of our relationships. Be it how we style our hair, or the clothes we wear. Some being totally ridiculous, others being beneficial in the long run. I mean, if we want to go there, I was wearing sports bras good and comfortably, and rather religiously up until about 21. This only changed when a girlfriend forced me to start wearing “real bras,” saying it was time to stop playing around and step into womanhood. My breasts especially thank her today. As I recall these moments and all the others, major and minor, that have influenced and shaped my perspective of self over the years, I find rest and confidence in one truth. Your beauty, your essence, your style, should all start with you. There have been and will continue to be countless variables and factors that will exist to control and influence your truth, your spirit, your body, and how you see you. But, if you allow any earthly perspective to govern your body and spirit, let it be yours. Take in outside gems along the way. But, let your beauty be true to you. And, most important, let it be for you. This time last year, I was so excited for what the new year was going to bring. And, though it was a blessing in its own purpose, it still didn’t feel all the way right.
I now know what was missing. The new year always seems to be looked at one of two ways. It is either faced with dread and distress, on account of the unknown and disappointment in the present. Or, it is met with complete hope and enchantment in the story waiting to be written. Actually, no. There is a third way. Sometimes it is looked at with indifference, as just another calendar year. And, you know what? None of these ways are wrong. That’s right, I said it. Not one of these ways to look at the new year is wrong. You know why? Because they are all valid. Our perspective is a direct result of our experience. And, we are all different. Some of us have only known and seen how hard life can consistently hit and knock us down. Therefore, we spend our days with our guard up in expectation of the next harsh blow. Some of us fight hard to let faith and hope forever lead the way, for we would crumble without it. And, some of us view and journey life like leaves in the wind, fully open to the breeze and whatever comes our way. And, no. None of these ways can we judge either. So where does this lead us? To that, I have no answer except to the new day and year for us all, as meant. But, I do have three things to encourage we all take with us as we go. Plan. Purpose. Action. Have a plan for today and any day you are granted. Whatever the plan, is up to you. Some days, the plan will have to be broken down into pieces, starting with just waking up and getting out of bed. Other days, the plan will seem too overwhelmingly grand. And, at times, your plan will have to be modified. But, a plan is a plan, and you will both fall on your face and knock parts of it immediately out of the park, on the road to fulfilling it. Leading me to the next thing. Purpose. Without it we are aimless. And, if we are aimless, we have no motivation. And, if we have no motivation, we have nothing to drive us. Know your purpose for any and all things you do today and this new year. Know it, keep it close, repurpose and remind yourself of it when need be. Which, yes, leads me to the final thing. Action. Take it. Nothing can be done without it. So, what was missing this year? My firm trust in and execution of these things. I allowed myself to get so wrapped up in the hope for what this year would bring, that I neglected making it what I wanted, to the best of my ability and power. I had all the faith, but nowhere near all the works I’m capable of. So, as I’m still excited for what this new year will bring, I’m more excited as to what I’m bringing it. What about you? What will you bring? What are your plans? Your purpose? And, what action will you take? So, yesterday’s audition was trash. Gar-bage. Coming off of a crappy previous 24 hours. The funny thing about it is that, one: it was a callback, and two: I felt pretty good about it going into it. This proves that you never really know how these things can go. But, the important thing is to always roll with the punches. In the moment and after. Also, learn from it all. From this experience, I am reminded that you have to speak up for yourself and your needs. You can never be over-prepared. Breathe. Know that things will not always go according to plan. Know you will suck sometimes. Cherish and give gratitude for those who can really make you turn your frown upside down. And, when it’s all said and done, be able to laugh at it all. And laugh hard.
How are you?
I was talking with a friend recently about presence and genuineness in conversation when asked this question. We talked about how though we ask and are probably asked this question at least once daily, this moment in conversation is not always as authentic as it could and should be. In fact, many of us ask and respond to this question often on autopilot. We ask it sometimes not truly being curious about the answer. And, we answer it in a way we feel would be most preferred. My autopilot discovered in this regard was not in my asking the question, but in my answering it. And, it was first confronted in one of my acting classes. My professor asked me how I was and, in my usual fashion, I responded, “Good, thank you. How are you?” With a smile. To which my professor responded, “Are you really?” And, thinking back on it, I’m sure there was of course some sort of stressor going on at the moment, but my answer gave no indication of that truth. And, I would come to find that this very way about me would be my challenge for that particular class that semester. The challenge and work to come out of my comfortable space of constant positivity and control. And, that work taught me a lot. I learned that this grip that I have on constant positivity and control doesn’t come from an artificial place. It comes from a spirit of optimism, and a need to keep it together. Let’s be real. We all go through some stuff. We are all going through some stuff right now. And, if we are not, you better believe some stuff is waiting to meet us around the next corner. Some stuff being minor in the bigger picture. Some of it seeming inescapable. And, we all respond to our stuff in different ways. So, how are you? Are you present and honest when asking and answering this question? And, how do you respond to your stuff? How do you respond to hardship and the uncomfortable? Sometimes, you will feel like giving up.
In many ways, on many things, on people, even on yourself, the thought of giving up will cross your mind. And, though this is true, you know what else? There is and always will be a piece of this world that you affect. The moment we come into this world, we make an impact on this space. We further that impact as we journey through this space. And, we leave an impact upon this space when we pass on. We make this impact through our experience, and how we move in this world. And, the manner in which we move is a direct result of our choices. And, we constantly have a choice as to whether or not we wish to give up. I encourage us in this moment not to. Well, first, I encourage us to have a clear definition as to what giving up looks like in our lives. For myself, it looks like a cessation of growth. The choice of stagnancy. And, even with that clear definition, it can still be difficult to determine when we are giving up and when we are not. Because what may be seen as giving up to one, may not look the same way to another. But, whatever your definition of giving up may be, I encourage you not to give in to that option. Do not give up on your growth. Do not give up on others who value your presence in this space. Do not give up on yourself. Do not give up on your path to leaving this world better than how you found it. “You need to have a high level of focus in the midst of the noise today. If you don’t, you will lose yourself.”
I was talking with a loved one this past week about all the noise and chaos that go on in our world, that can seriously distract us if we are not careful. We are constantly facing distraction. In the media. In our minds. Constantly surrounding us. We are constantly met with the opinions, experiences, ignorance, awareness, agendas, and suggestions of others. We are constantly facing our own fears, insecurities, and truth. And, given this constant stimuli, we are forever in a position to choose what we give our attention and focus to. We are forever in a position to choose what we give power. We are living in an immensely divided society, where the focus is placed more on being proven right as opposed to doing what is right. A society that tries to tell us what and how to be, as opposed to focusing on what and how we can all individually contribute to this space to make it what it should be. We live in a society where our magnitude is stifled. Which is why our ability to focus is vital. Whatever your goals and dreams are, keep it simple and stay focused. Trust in your capability and worthiness to bring greatness to this space, and to leave it better than you found it. Clear out the clutter within and around you. And, don’t be afraid of getting side tracked, because it can and will happen. Instead, embrace the falls, and allow them to propel you in strengthening your resilience. Life is made up of a series of choices. So, keep it simple, stay focused, and choose wisely in truth. “Not having people you can really trust leaves you with that vulnerable feeling of being in a field surrounded by wolves.”
My sister said this while we were talking recently about the quality of love and relationships in life compared to quantity. As we mature, our view of and relationship with our relationships change. We gain a better understanding of the love and energy we want and need around us. We hopefully learn the difference between expectations and standards, and place our focus on the latter. With the circumstances of adulthood, we see how much effort our relationships require in order to be maintained and continue to grow. And, with all this considered, we are able to clearly see our relationships where they are. We also see how precious and rare the truly full relationships in our lives are. In a society where abundant effort isn’t necessarily required to technically connect with people, we can sometimes lose sight of the work necessary to achieve full connection in our relationships. And that, coupled with our own obstacles, can make healthy relationships sometimes difficult to achieve and come by. Which can leave us feeling vulnerable and alone. Which is why it’s vital to know and set our standards, work for, and be good to the relationships in our lives where love lies. Not every relationship we have will last the course of our lives. Some will find us where we least expect them, during a time we need them most. Some we will grow up in and grow out of. Some will be established by blood yet feel lifeless. Some will span seemingly infinite time and space. Some will keep us laughing even when we don’t want to. Some will take us on our greatest of adventures. Some will teach us the biggest lessons of our lives. Whatever the conditions of our relationships, may we treasure and nurture the love and friendship in them. May we build and rest them on a foundation of honesty, accountability, presence, reliability, respect, and appreciation. May we not get solely caught up in obtaining relationships, but in actually preserving our relationships of value. I say, even if I have only one true person by my side in a field of wolves, I’d rather that than a crowd of people whom I’m not sure are there for me or the wolves themselves. Being on this constant journey of self-discovery, living in my truth, and unleashing it all, I have been making some changes. And, one of those changes—though minor in the grand scheme of things—has been remodeling and honing my content and overall presence on social media. Now, with different mediums operating various ways, obviously this has manifested differently across all networks. All of which depicting more of me in my truth. And, you know what I have noticed?
As I have been gaining new people to connect with along this process, I have also been losing several folks. All of this leading me to thinking even more about our relationship as people to social media and technology in general. Now, if you know me, you know how helpful and hampering I think social media and technology are. And, how for someone like myself, who has chosen the career path that I have, it can truly be a bane of my existence. But, alas, it seems to be a necessary evil. Especially given some people are now actually using social media presence to influence their casting, as opposed to talent and fitting the role. (Yay, actor friends, as if there weren’t enough factors already.) But, outside of this, with this loss of some folks in cyberspace as a result of what I know to be me being more vulnerable and, frankly, attempting to soar more in my fierceness, I could not help but to take and share these three invaluable and critical truths... One: Never seek your worth from social media. Two: Not everybody is going to dig your truth. Three: Social media will never be real life. Now, don’t get me wrong, there are many of us who are not afraid to get to the real, even from behind the comforts of our screens. (Shout out to those of us doing it, I see you, I love you, and you all are the real MVPs.) There are also folks who cannot be real off of social media. But, I say all of this to encourage us to tap more into, and not get disconnected from the real. I say this to encourage us to soar in our fierceness, on and offline, no matter who likes, loves, double taps, thumbs up, thumbs down, shares, retweets, subscribes, follows, or unfollows. We all use social media either to add unto ourselves, other people, or a little bit of both. And, whatever your reason may be, I encourage you to keep on keeping on. Just don’t lose sight of what’s real. So, as for me? Whether that means continuing to hit you with my mission of spreading love via encouragement and accountability, doing a little stream of consciousness on Twitter, or posting 6 to 9 puzzle pieces a day on Instagram to build mosaics for shots that just don’t look quite as good in one post; I’m going to keep on keeping on. And, I encourage you to do the same. They may not dig you on the other side. But, you better seek to be true before being liked. |
Archives
January 2021
Categories |