I promised myself that when I graduated, I would embark on the journey of fully coming into my own. Taking on the journey of complete self-discovery, and hopefully seeing myself and the world in the truest and healthiest way possible. Surfing the biggest wave of growth yet. Now, don’t get me wrong, I was thrilled at the idea of being out of school so that I could finally focus on what’s next, and perhaps even—I don’t know—sleep. But, the paramount benefit was actually having the freedom to focus on my freedom, and finally realize and pursue my full potential and mission in this vast space. And, you know what the best part about all this has been?
That none of it has gone as expected. I’m a planner. I love organization. And, with that, I obviously love for things to go as planned. But, in the absence of this preference... of comfort... of control... I realize that I am achieving my ultimate goal even more. I have been more propelled into giving more love and focus to all my passions, as opposed to one. I have been lead to diversifying my skill set. I have been learning to demand more and settle less, and more than that, actually doing so. I have been seeing more of where the real is. I have been finding more of my truth in the unexpected and what I don’t know. Which is both frightening and calming. But, I realize that in this boundless ocean, we never know what wave is going to come. All we can do is read it once it appears and go from there. And, who knows, it might be our most perfect one yet.
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This evening at dusk, I was driving and happened to come across this beautiful garden of pink roses. Their luminescence lit their surroundings, even amidst the darkness falling upon them. They caught my eye immediately, speaking to me. I kept driving for a while before deciding to turn around. I admit, I then drove past them again, hesitant to do what I wanted. But, at last, I parked, appreciated them up close for a moment before capturing one to serve as a reminder...
Amidst it all, keep shining. It is not too often Black women can find themselves working a stage with fellow Black women, on a piece written with such authenticity by a Black male playwright about the experience of Black girls. I am thankful to even be in the room with this one. She a Gem by Josh Wilder, workshopped at The Kennedy Center.
I have come to realize that the older I have gotten, the clearer I have come to see and understand my mother. Through the eyes of a child, a mother is weighed by what she does for that child, how she fulfills their wants and needs. Through the eyes of an adult, a mother is weighed by who she is as a person. I have come to no longer view her in a selfish way as a child, but in a loving and understanding way as a woman. Her sacrifices, compromises, mistakes, accomplishments, ups, downs, and everything in between have made me not only love her beyond the expression of words, but continuously grow a burning desire to work to contribute to her greatest happiness. I live to one day prayerfully contribute to and see her completely bask in all that she decided to cut short in order to take on the mission of motherhood. She is forever held high and appreciated.
When Duck on The Five Heartbeats said, “A critic said, 'Donald Matthews will be a great writer one day when he suffers more.'“ I felt that.
When it comes to art and artists, there seems to be a glorification of pain and suffering. The idea that the best artists are those who are experiencing, or have experienced the most hardship. Mary J Blige has always been a resonating example of this for me. To this day, she is still believed to have been at her best, artistically, during a time when she was hurting the most. Pain is a strong tie that binds, yes. A reason why we root for the underdog. Pain is relatable, which provides an immense opportunity for empathy. Which, very often, if not always, is a goal when making art. But, what does this mean for artists? To be quite honest, many of my greatest breakthroughs with my craft have stemmed from pain, whether I knew it or not at the time. And, even now I wonder what would happen to my technique if I never again experienced or knew how to connect with my pain. But, again, what does this mean? Because, the thought of myself or any other artist not being as successful or able to connect as strongly with joy and peace as fuel, as opposed to pain, is quite terrifying. Sometimes, things don’t click until they just do. I have been wanting to pursue a certain goal and mission for quite some time, but just never had the clear vision as to how to do it. I must admit, I have also been rather afraid and not so confident in my ability to pull it off. But, I am now ready to take on this new adventure, in hopes that it will allow me to contribute more beauty and service to this life as I imagine.
Gratitude for the richness raining upon me daily, including the loved ones willing to put up with my imagination.
Was walking down the street yesterday, and this caught my attention. I immediately had to say thank you to God. For placing me in the right places at the right moments. To have been coming from an opportunity doing what I love, to see this confirmation... It makes me feel I am on the right track. Do what you love.
I was saying last night how revisiting this play now as a woman makes me look at it in new and varying ways. And, it is a joy producing it now with a lens on things that are often overlooked. To this freedom, even if it was stolen for just a moment.
I have seen Her produce miracles.
I have seen Her underestimated. I have seen Her overcome. I have seen Her love heal. I have seen Her misused and abused. I have seen Her rise from the ashes. I have seen Her change the world. I wish to see Her and all birthed from Her embraced, respected, and cherished by all, forever. Photo taken from Denise Kumani Gantt’s Meditations/From the Ash: An Utterance with Motion, directed by Natalya Brusilovsky, at Spotlight UB |
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